Gabriella was sitting in the kitchen eating her chocolate chip cookies when her little brother Hayden walks into the room and grabs a peanut butter cookie. "You're not supposed to eat those," Gabriella says. "Says who, they're way better than those and mom won't even notice," Says Hayden. Feeling like she is missing out, Gabriella gets up and takes a big bite out of the peanut butter cookie.
Twenty minutes later, Gabriella began to feel an itch in her throat. She yells to her mom in a panic and Elena comes rushing in. "Why are you feeling like this, did you eat one of the cookies?" Gabriella apologizes to her mom. Her mom takes her to the hospital and she is okay.
"Gabriella, you cannot disobey me like that. It will have serious consequences, like today. I'm taking away all of your cookies and you won't be able to participate in the bake sale," says Elena
Gabriella is very upset and tells her brother its all his fault, but her brother gets punished too. They are both not allowed to have any cookies until they can prove they can follow their moms rules.
My story is based on the story of Adam and Eve. I think most people are familiar with the story but I focused on the fall of man. In the original story, Adam and Eve are told to not eat from the forbidden fruit. Eve is convinced to eat the fruit by a serpent and after that she convinces Adam to eat it. Adam and Eve are banned from the Garden of Eden for disobeying God. I decided to do a spin off of this and use the basic concepts of the story to create my own.
Adam and Eve: The Fall from the book of Genesis
Hey Kaylee,
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you used Adam and Eve as an inspiration to write your story on something that most of us can relate to as a kid. Reading this story reminds me of my childhood where i was told not to eat cookies before dinner and ended up actually regretting eating cookies before dinner. I like how you kept your story short, sweet, and light-hearted. After reading the story, i actually went to go get some cookies from Insomnia Cookies hah. Great story!
Hi Kaylee! I liked how you really made Adam and Eve's story into your own. It was very easy to understand and definitely a more modern version of the story. I didn't realize it was based off of Adam and Eve's story until reading the Author's note, but as soon as I did, it all clicked. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Kaylee! First off, I really enjoyed reading your story! I feel like it is such a modern take on a classic story, and it is something that can happen to anyone at any time. I thought it was really cool how you decided to do something like having a character be allergic to peanut butter, since that is such a common occurrence. I am not personally allergic to anything, but I can see how this story would resonate with readers who are allergic to something like peanut butter. Especially if they have siblings that are able to eat something that they are not. I do wonder what would have happened if Gabriella had not told her mom that she began to feel an itch in her throat after having eaten one of the peanut butter cookies? What if she avoided telling her mom because she knew she would get into trouble for disobeying her mother? Also, what if you went into more detail about the hospital visit with Gabriella and her mother? It would be interesting to see how the hospital visit went and what the doctors said in relation to Gabriella's allergy. It would also be interesting to see how the doctors handled her allergy and to find out what could have happened to Gabriella. Overall I really enjoyed your story and thought it was very well written!
ReplyDeleteHi Kaylee, I liked how you took the story about Adam and Eve and made it into a very relatable and realistic story. I feel like we have all been in a similar situations; if not with our siblings then with our friends. My first thought was that it is a very relatable and realistic story. I think this is great because it helps readers become connected with it if they have gone through something similar. I wonder if adding more detail about her visit to the hospital might add an extra layer to the story. Maybe it could show the seriousness of Gabriella’s action. I think adding more detail in this part of the story might also help draw readers in because they want to see Gabriella’s (and Hayden’s) outcome. This could also be used to make the story longer, if you are needing to. Also, what if Hayden gives a response to Gabriella saying it is all his fault? This could add an extra conversation to the story. Overall, I really enjoyed your story!
ReplyDeleteHey Kaylee! I really liked your rendition of the story about Adam and Eve. It was a good parallel between the story of Adam and Even and your story of two children. It is a good modern retelling of the story. I wonder how the brother got disciplined. Even though they both got punished, Gabriella's punishment was made evident. If we don't know Hayden's punishment, it makes it seem like he got away with it, even if he didn't, so I think it's a good idea to include his punishment as well. In the Bible, after they ate the forbidden fruit of knowledge of good and evil, Adam and Eve immediately felt guilty and hid from God. I think it would be a really good idea to somehow adapt that into your rendition of the story. I think that that is a very important part of the story that leads to God searching for Adam and Eve as they hid.
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